Have you ever encountered the thought of not truly knowing yourself? Are you acquainted with the real you? Are you building yourself up and believing in the possibility of being the person you aspire to be? Are you familiar with your strengths as much as your weaknesses? How would you describe yourself to someone who can't see you, especially when the truth is that you still don't know yourself that well?
Blurry but clear, dim but bright. I think I know myself that well, I might say that I am an average person. Just the right amount of positive and negative charges meeting halfway. I am a loving person but being loving, I don't excel on that part. I am a caring person but I tend to be carefree and careless at times. I am passionate, yet I tend to be detached; I am driven, yet languid; I am brave, yet I turn to curl the moment life faces storms and hurls.
Looking at the imaginary mirror in front of me, I tell this to myself:
You are a paradox, a contradiction.
You are average, yet unique.
You are loving, yet you can be cold.
You are caring, yet you can be careless.
You are brave, yet you tend to curl
The moment life faces storms and hurls
It challenges you, to make you strong
But sometimes your strength is not enough to go on.
You are resilient, but sometimes you feel like giving up.
You are hopeful, but sometimes you feel like all hope is lost
You are a complex person, with many layers.
You are a work in progress, always evolving.
You are a mystery, even to yourself.
But one thing is for sure: you are real.
You are alive.
You are here.
And that is all that matters.
You are loved.
You are cared for.
You are appreciated.
You are enough.
Just as you are.
Now, have I described myself to someone who can't see me? Can you tell me who you are? Are you perfectly imperfect just like me?
On July 3rd, I gratefully celebrated my 47th birthday, marking the beginning of a new phase in life. Embracing this milestone, I recognize that it's only natural to experience changes in my body and encounter various physical challenges. Aging brings with it a unique set of experiences, including the occasional pains and muscle tiredness. Yet, I've come to accept that these discomforts are an integral part of life's journey, teaching me valuable lessons along the way.
Just a week before my birthday, I found myself seeking consultation with an internal medicine and cardiologist due to a persistent pain and fatigue in the upper left side of my back, accompanied by a strange sensation in my arms and left index finger. As if my veins were being pulled apart and the tingling sensation left me concerned and worried. Admittedly, hospital is one of my least favorite places, and the thought of being checked by a doctor brought back memories of a traumatic hospital environment I experienced during my transition to adulthood and recent experience during the pandemic.
When I was just 17 years old, and my only brother was merely turning 13, our lives were forever changed. It was a long time ago, but the memories of that heart-wrenching period when my mother got diagnosed with last-stage renal cancer still bring tears to my eyes. Losing her to the merciless grip of the big C, a week after my brother's 13th birthday, left an indelible mark on our lives. She was only 50 years old.
The second wave of grief washed over our family when my aunt, my mom's beloved sister received the devastating diagnosis of colon cancer. She held a special place in my heart as my second favorite aunt, and our bond ran deep. We shared a love for window shopping, indulging in delicious meals, watching movies together and dressing up. She was a truly lovable person, it was evident that she had a romantic side to her. However, despite this, she chose to remain single, dedicating her life to the passions of the family. The memories of her suffering from the side effects of oral chemotherapy remain vivid in my mind. Witnessing her pain and discomfort was heart-wrenching, yet she faced it all with immense courage. My aunt's passing, at the age of 51, left a void that can never be filled.
The third time grief struck our family with the loss of a beloved family member to an illness was when my other aunt was diagnosed with kidney failure. Enduring two days of dialysis sessions each week for six years, she displayed remarkable faith, hope, strength and resilience. She never questioned the Almighty for her illness. As my next favorite aunt, she played a significant role in nurturing my religious foundation, living her life dedicated to the church and forming genuine connections with laities, nuns, priests, and fellow churchgoers. Her name, Angelita, truly reflected her pure and angelic nature.
In another heartbreaking twist, my beloved aunt, the second eldest after my mother, and my all-time favorite, who had stood as a mother figure to my brother and me, faced the daunting battle with cancer once more. Affectionately known as my Ninang Ditche and mama Cora to my youngest son, she showered him with unsurpassed tender love and care. Devastatingly, she had to undergo mastectomy on her left breast, enduring grueling sessions of chemotherapy and radiation therapies. During the challenging times of the pandemic, we lost her to the merciless grip of the Big C. Her absence was even more painful as her siblings from Australia and Germany, as well as her twin sons, my most cherished cousins who were based in Canada and Luxembourg, were unable to travel home to the Philippines for her funeral.
Their passing left a profound void in my heart, for they were not just a mother, an aunt or a loved one but a pillar of my being, my strength, love and support. The cherished memories of their nurturing presence will forever be etched in my heart.
Despite my sad experiences in hospitals and those apprehensions, I knew seeking medical advice was essential. The fear that I felt was overshadowed by the need for answers and relief. As I sat in the doctor's office, I reminded myself that taking care of my health is an essential part of self-care. Though it was challenging, facing my fear head-on allowed me to be proactive about my well-being.
As I reflect on these experiences, I realized that sometimes life nudges us towards difficult situations, pushing us to confront our fears and traumas. It's through these moments that we find strength within ourselves to embrace life fully. Though my journey towards self-care and wellness has had its ups and downs, it has also taught me the importance of facing challenges with courage and seeking support from those who care about my well-being - my family.
While hospitals may not be my preferred place, I've come to understand the significance of putting my health first. Good thing too that I am covered with Cocolife Health Card https://www.cocolife.com/healthcard/ through my husband's work benefits. I got the chance to avail and use my swipe card for consultation, referral and diagnostic procedures such as my breast ultrasound, 2D Echo and ECG, Chest and cardiothoracic X ray and blood chemistry. Thankfully, the results are just mild and not serious but still I have to look after my health and see my doctor again after three months.
These experience has made me appreciate the value of self-advocacy and the power of taking control of my health journey.
We recently celebrated my kids' milestones in school. My youngest son graduated from primary school with an excellence award. Meanwhile, my middle child, my daughter who is currently pursuing AB Broadcasting in Bicol University, the state university here in Bicol region made it to the prestigious President's List for the semester.
We enjoyed a hearty take out for lunch and celebrated at a local milk tea and snack bar later in the evening. I felt immensely grateful that my children have the opportunity to attend an institution that provides free quality education and that they are doing their best in school and earning recognition for their hard work.
As we were heading home, we passed by a local fried chicken hub where they prepare and fry their delicious crispy chicken right in front of the store. While passing by, we noticed a frail boy, seemingly around the age of 10 to 12, just about the same age as my youngest son, watching the cook fry the chicken. The aroma of the well-seasoned chicken marinated in batter and dredged with seasoned breading filled the air, making anyone with an empty stomach even hungrier. Seeing the child in such a vulnerable state touched my heart deeply as a mother.
Without any hesitation, I bought the chicken for the young boy. His surprised expression was heartwarming especially when he smiled gleefully with thanks. The cook who was moved by my gesture, told me that boy had been there watching him cook for hours already. Since they were not allowed to give food to the beggars while on duty, he felt helpless couldn't do anything about it. Witnessing this act of kindness, my children felt a profound impact, and they too were deeply affected by the boy's circumstances.
We may not be affluent, but we are grateful for the simple blessings in life, such as being provided with our basic needs. We seldom eat out or order take-out but that day as we celebrated the milestones of my children, it became more special as we had the chance to share a food with someone who genuinely needed to be fed and cared for.
I am grateful that like me, my kids knew in their hearts the importance of compassion and sharing.
